“So where do we go from here?”
It is very hard to admit to myself that I don’t always know the answer to that question. I feeling like I’ve been in hiding. I don’t know if time stopped for me, or if I was off in my own world. At any rate, everyone and everything else kept going and I’m struggling to catch up. It doesn’t help that I’m not really doing things, well, normally. I am trying to be all sorts of things at the same time, and I’m not sure how I am supposed to do that. Everything has happened to quickly in my life, and I am just now grabbing hold of a fence and trying to steady myself.
I look back and I am just completely at a loss. Where did it all go? I have gained so much in it’s place but without any sort of a goodbye to what used to be.
I think I have stopped writing because I lost my bravery. I have lost the courage that led me to be honest with myself. These days, life seems more and more like a contest that I am an unwilling participant in. It is all on display in a window with no blinds, on a very public street. So, I’ve tried to hide and I’ve tried to minimize the onlookers. I have tried to get everyone to keep on walking by with a facade that everything is under control. However, the truth is that I just need a moment. And the more I try to hide, the more I feel alone and left behind.
I used to be able to get to this place where I could find the answers, and keep moving forward. Now, I keep moving, but I can’t get to that place anymore. And meanwhile, time just keeps running and running and running. I am afraid that someday time will have run out, and I will still be clinging to that fence; still trying to figure it out.
No comments:
Post a Comment